Monday, January 23, 2017

...In January.

Christmas was a month ago. Weird. It seems so much longer. 

I was sick from the day before Christmas Eve straight through to days after New Years. Not severely, but enough that I was pretty much useless, no energy to do all the yearly traditions that one tends to do over the holidays. It kinda sucked. But I tried to look on the bright side. At least it was me that was sick and not one of the kids. 

What I found the hardest was letting go of all the expectations. After a very stressful couple of months, I saw Christmas vacation as my saving grace. Salvation. For the first time in forever my husband was off for the whole time too. We were going to get together with friends more than once! Game nights, hot chocolate with brandy, and cozy snowed in, snuggled up nights with Netflix. It would be exactly what we all needed. 

Cut to me covered up with quilts, heat cranked and still freezing. Yes I was "snuggled" but not how I pictured. I did have one brandy hot chocolate but couldn't stomach another. No game nights and I could barely stay awake long enough to watch an entire movie on Netflix. And then it was all over for another year. Everyone back to work. Back to School. Back to the real world. 

I was still grateful to have my family close but found it hard not to feel cheated. I didn't get the boost my spirit desperately needed. 

In the last weeks of December, I had been struggling  losing the battle within. With each day, I realized I hated my job more and more. The kids seemed to be going through some sort of crisis constantly. My vibrations were on a constant high. A rock seemed to live in my chest at all times. It took nothing to send me over the edge. And my old "friends" followed me into the New Year. 

A New Year. 

I started talking to myself. Whenever I started going down the rabbit hole of anxiousness, I would say "The new me doesn't do that". And it worked....for awhile.

My friends are persistent suckers. 

There is no new me. There is no switch that can be flicked. No instant resolution. 

But I persevere.

I know that nothing can change unless I do. So I've been working on my resume. It is time for a change. I am trying to take it day by day. To not look too far ahead. I've learned that doing so serves no purpose except to cause me unnecessary strife. I'm trying not to close myself off from husband, which I tend to do when I get bad. I try to think of things that make me happy, even when I'm not. Sometimes it works.

I am still grateful for all I have, the people in my small world. 

They are my salvation. 

Every day of every year.